Guilt – by Jenny Foster
Guilt – it’s a horrible feeling. You would imagine fear, anger, worry or sadness would appear higher on the list of feelings when you live with a child who has Type 1 diabetes and coeliac disease….
…but it’s guilt that is plaguing my life.
Guilt has never been more apparent than when Ewan, (my 8 year-old son who has Type 1 and coeliac disease) was due to return from a three-day residential to Keilder with his school and I thought I’d share it with you in the hope that it will ring bells with other parents and maybe make me feel a bit better!
In the afternoon of his return, I found myself dreading it. I couldn’t believe it, my little boy had been away from home for the first time, I’d not spoken with him or seen him for 72 hours and I was dreading his return?
The reality of course is that I couldn’t wait to see Ewan; I was just dreading the return of diabetes! Selfishly, I wanted the old Ewan to come back from Kielder, not the Ewan with diabetes and coeliac.
I reasoned with myself; I had just had a three day break from insulin injections, blood glucose testing, carb counting and food label checking; I’d had a brief respite and a chance to remember how care-free our lives were pre-diabetes; it was fine to be feeling this way? Wasn’t it?
I still don’t know the answer. It felt wrong – hence the guilt, but at the same time I felt justified. On seeing Ewan tiredly climb down the steps from the coach after his big adventure, looking like he’d not changed his clothes or brushed his hair in days I am happy to say I was overjoyed to see him. In that instant the diabetes did not exist, just the relief to have him home in one-piece put everything into perspective…
…this young, innocent, little boy had Type 1 to deal with for the rest of his life, with no respite, ever – so really, what did I have to complain about?